Kimmswick Community Hall, Kimmswick MO
"You say that there is this free floating planet...Machavia?"
"Falling."
"..."
"The Universe she is not some community swimming hole. She is not the Dead Sea." Low-laughter from the audience sitting cross-legged on the hall's splintery panelled floor. "But yes, Machavia, and yes she is falling to us."
"To Earth."
"Correct."
"On a crash-course?" More tittering from the audience. The interviewer's expression of mild perturbation.
"It's the concern in your question. As though this would be a bad thing."
"Klad, if I may call you Klad?"
"Mr. Klad."
"Mr. Klad."
"I'm kidding."
"Klad then, could you tell me and our listeners Klad why this would not be a bad thing?"
* * *
Fort Dale vs. Monroe -- Fort Dale Academy, Greenville AL
"Naw the Machavial was merely an instructional guide for anticipating what Klad referred to as The Great Congealment. Machavia being described in the text as a core-less ocean planet consisting of a liquid not unlike cerebrospinal fluid which would envelope Earth. Cere-burrow-spahn-al that's one word. And uh, it was kind of a sink-or-swim preparatory manual to transcend functional dependence on Earth and to rise to the occasion as it were--Mickey you go get us some dogs would ya? Dog?"
"I already ate thanks."
"Just make it the three for me Mickster. Get yerself something but I'll want change from that twenty--all that stuff about it spoiling young minds and takin a pavement saw to your free will I mean you've read the thing do you really think--"
"No I haven't read it."
"Hell I had a feeling I was giving you more credit than I shoulda had."
"Haven't got around to it."
"Around to it? It's a eight-fuckin-page pamphlet! Maybe you're a little consternated is what I'd say."
"I don't think that's a word."
"Well I went to Duke motherfucker and what you don't think could most likely accommodate the volume of Moby Dick had the pages been unwritten on."
"Haven't gotten around to that one either.."
"You wanna come down here and--fucks sake Mickey how about one that isn't sodden with what tastes more like yer Mom's diaper than it does mustard--you wanna come down and ask me about why I signed up for all that shit and I can give you the same answer I give everybody, and hell knows I've been asked enough times already--I can tell you I was coming from a bad place and I was vulnerable quote unquote but that's a pile of horse manure you won't ever get past on me cause you forfeited your right to getting in here" (index and middle finger of right hand tapping on his chest) "by being too much of a pussy to even read the fuckin thing you came to ask me about."
"I'm sorry you feel that way."
"...And maybe Klad hung himself in that Mount Vernon holding cell, or maybe Missouri's finest decided to practice a little retribution of their own, cause if you ask them he was nothing but a broad shit stain on the community. But I don't have time to ponder conspiracies. The point is it doesn't matter that he's dead, Machavia is still comin for us. I know it, you know it, the difference is you're too frozen with fear to even want to try and survive it. You wanna be a survivor like me?"
"..."
"...You earn a pair and learn yourself two things: how to read and how to swim."
* * *
Kimmswick Community Hall, Kimmswick MO
"So this original manuscript, what significance does it hold over other copies?"
"Meaning is it...blessed?"
"I didn't--"
"You bet your ass she is blessed!"
"You bet your ass she is blessed!"
"We can pick this up again tomorrow if--"
"It's right of you to assume that the oracular stout I have mixed in with half of this forty of High Ten is manifesting itself hideously from my breath. But tonight I bring you here to show you something that no alcohol would dizzy."
"I'm with you."
"Behind this modest curtain--you were wondering about this curtain?"
"You've mentioned the curtain serveral times already."
"For emphasis I mention it again! Behind this curtain are words set immortal and pulsing with a warm glow like a hot spring beneath moonlight. Transcending the experience of any Xerox or Kindle-friendly downloadable content. The real tamale."
"..."
"Son of Klad! Whose labrador is this?? And apple butter?? Who the fuck left a thing of apple butter--"
"Uh--I think, I think they were using it to hold it down."
"Hold it down?"
"I mean it's only like four pages double-sided."
"Who?!"
"Those guys that left a couple of hours ago in the Saturn? A & R?"
"And the dog?"
"They're intelligent creatures sir. A lot of it has to do with the length of their nose I think. With breeds."
"..."
"Evolutionary."
"..."
"Uh sir? Klad man, wait. I don't think the Luger is a good idea. I'm sayin A & R would shit."
"..."
"Oh hell man what did you do?"
"A shot has been fired."
"The sound of Ronny in promotions losing his bowels. You've lost it man."
"People are now exiting the hall on mass, many are getting into their cars. A small group attracting interest in the car park, perhaps some kind of vigilante, the family of this beloved chocolate lab, bottles and rocks are being passed around, now it's a case of will authorities arrive in time."
"I'm with you."
"Behind this modest curtain--you were wondering about this curtain?"
"You've mentioned the curtain serveral times already."
"For emphasis I mention it again! Behind this curtain are words set immortal and pulsing with a warm glow like a hot spring beneath moonlight. Transcending the experience of any Xerox or Kindle-friendly downloadable content. The real tamale."
"..."
"Son of Klad! Whose labrador is this?? And apple butter?? Who the fuck left a thing of apple butter--"
"Uh--I think, I think they were using it to hold it down."
"Hold it down?"
"I mean it's only like four pages double-sided."
"Who?!"
"Those guys that left a couple of hours ago in the Saturn? A & R?"
"And the dog?"
"They're intelligent creatures sir. A lot of it has to do with the length of their nose I think. With breeds."
"..."
"Evolutionary."
"..."
"Uh sir? Klad man, wait. I don't think the Luger is a good idea. I'm sayin A & R would shit."
"..."
"Oh hell man what did you do?"
"A shot has been fired."
"The sound of Ronny in promotions losing his bowels. You've lost it man."
"People are now exiting the hall on mass, many are getting into their cars. A small group attracting interest in the car park, perhaps some kind of vigilante, the family of this beloved chocolate lab, bottles and rocks are being passed around, now it's a case of will authorities arrive in time."
